Eight Reasons Why Tony
by Keep.Film.Alive
Summary: Eight reasons why Tony Stark is forbidden from making drunk calls. Victims: Bruce, Clint, Natasha, Steve, Coulson, Fury, Pepper and Rhodey. The only text is the drunk message so don't expect much, just lulz.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Eight Reasons Tony is Forbidden to Leave Drunk Messages

Pairing(s): Tony Stark and um I can explain

Fandom: Avengers (movie/comic mix)

Rating: T with M hints

Notes: I've been getting requests for a chapter with their reactions, I'll try to have it up soon. Thanks for the reviews guys!

Bruce

"Hey I just- I totally had the most mind blowing idea Ever. Okay, okay- this is going to sound a little craz- just hear me out! I was just thinking about how bad it must suck because you can't get down and dirty with Betty and stuff- I don't think about that often, I'm not a creeper, it just happened, okay? But seriously, and I suggest this because I'm only thinking of you and your happiness But you should totally convince her to have a three way with me and you so, I mean, like I could do most of the work so you could chill and still enjoy it and not turn into the big green giant and that would just be so hot because seriously? Betty's a babe. Sleep on it. Catch you later big guy."

Clint

"Cockeyeeeee, ha haa, you know, I was just thinking about you- there was a picture of an eagle or something on one of my whiskey bottles, I stared at it for about an hour on the verge of passing out and suddenly felt like calling you- and it totally just hit me You You have such such pretty eyes. Did I ever tell you that? I mean, they are just so- I may have called Bobby and hit on her, I really can't remember, I just thought I should tell you before she does just in case I You Well honestly I don't know why telling you first would help me but I'm telling you anyway. Please don't smother me in my sleep. Thank you."

Natasha

"Boobies. You have Very nice Boobies. And I respect that."

Steve

"Steve Steve remain Absolutely calm I drank a bit- quite a bit- and I fell and hit my head on the edge of a table When I woke up, I shit you not, there's a hole in my chest And it's glowing pretty colors And quite frankly, I'm a little scared- oh, and there's blood coming from my head- but it would mean so much if you could um Okay, shit, I can't tell if I'm at my Malibu home, Stark Tower or one of my vacation homes, I Oh god Oh god, Steve, please help, I don't know where I am, I'm freaking out m Mmmm Pfffffha ha haaa! Oh! Ohhh! I ca- I can't, it's too much, oh you poor man, I can imagine the look on your face, you must've been absolutely terrified- *snort* Oh lord, oh my lord that was precious, I can't be- SHI- *crash* *thud* *groan*"

Coulson

"Guess what, mother fucker? You said I couldn't invent something worth anyone's time unless I was emotionally disturbed or drunk? Well fuck you cuz' I totally just built something that's going to blow your mind and I didn't start drinking till AFTER I was done and the only emotional disturbance I've experienced today was dealing with your ugly ass. And- I mean- um I'm not entirely sure what it is or what it does, but I know it's blowing my mind and I was the one that created it, so eat my shit Son-of-Coul. I- Imma Imma go get some wine, I feel like drinking wine, s'probably because I'm out of vodka- JARVIS! JARVIS, do we have- oh, oh wait, that shouldn't be on fire-"

Pepper

"Please come back, please, I'll be good, I'll stop drinking, I'll stop smothering you, I'll stop- I- I'll stop being me! If you want! I can totally stop being me, I know you'd like that, I mean, I just, I didn't mean what I said earlier, I think you look beautiful in satin, I was just joking about the unusual amount of sweat stains- that- that's totally normal, right? But you, I, uh, you, you, you probably shouldn't wear satin anymore- No! No no no! Don't- Don't listen to me, I'm a drunk fool, I love you, I lo- oh hey, you're standing right there, hi Pep- Pepper? Pepper, come on! Baby! Babe! Babe-a-rooney!"

Rhodey

"I know you said I'm not allowed to call you when I'm "under the influence" but, can I just say something here? I mean it, I really mean it, Rhodes I think my mom cheated on my dad and you and I are brothers, because that is the only explanation for how-I-put-up-with-you. My brotherly instinct and love is the only reason I haven't ripped off your head for hiding all of my booze- AGAIN. Which! I found, thanks to JARVIS, and brother, I have told you before, and I will most certainly tell you again, you DO NOT fuck with another man's liquor stash and ESPECIALLY when he is Tony mother fucking STARK. Got it! Now get your ass over here, I'm throwing a karaoke party and you know you want to duet on Bohemian Rhapsody."

Fury

"Sandra, Sandra, it's me, Tony from last night Um It's come to my attention that your dad is my boss And I can't We If he finds out, I'm so fucked, don't tell him ANYTHING, I'm begging you and I don't beg that often, okay? I just You're sweet and smart and pretty but you're just seem wayyyy too young, you weren't lying about your age right? Because he still talks about you as if you're still in high school, you clearly don't look like you're that young, but y shit, did I just say something wrong? I feel like I did, whatever I just said that was rude, I take it back. Just know that we can't work out and that it was fun while it lasted, but we reallllllly need to not have a repeat of last night. Okay? Love ya gorgeous."


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Eight Reasons Tony is Forbidden to Leave Drunk Messages

Pairing(s): Tony Stark and um I can explain

Fandom: Avengers (movie/comic mix)

Rating: T with M hints

Note: People asked for reactions, so here are some messages they left for Tony in response :)

Bruce

"Betty and I were at the zoo when I listened to your message. Tony, I destroyed a zoo because of you. I think I used a giraffe as a bat to beat stuff up- Tony, all of the animals escaped and a few were severely hurt in the proccess. No. No we will never have a three way with you. We will never have a three way with anyone. And you need to never speak of Betty in even a remotely sexual or flirtatious way ever again. The zoo, Tony! I'm putting it on your tab, it's your fault anyway."

Clint

"First off, it's Hawkass, not Cockeye. Second off, I know exactly what brand of whiskey you were describing, that stuff's shit, you need to try the kind with the purple lion on the label, it'll blow your mind. Third off, thank you very much, it's about damn time someone noticed that my ass is not my only gold star quality feature! Thank you for that, Anthony, that was very sweet of you. And lastly, heh, um, yeah, you see that little red dot on your ass? Yep, there you go, that one right there- *thwack* *zap* *Tony's distant agonizing scream* - is your one and only warning. Don't ever call Bobby again, Tony, you're only going to get hurt in the end."

Natasha

"Veracruz, Mexico. I'm not affraid to use it."

Steve

"I'm not falling for that twice, you're not funny Tony... Tony... Tony?... Tony stop it... Seriously, it's not funny... JARVIS, is he okay?... Oh. Pepper, you should probably call an ambulance."

Coulson

"..."

Pepper

"Thanks for last night babe. Aaaaand I guess I forgive you... This time, at least. You were pretty spectacular after all, sooooo... Again tonight? And yes, I'm wearing the satin dress."

Rhodey

"I hid the damn stash because you've hit a new record for setting shit on fire this past month. And last time I checked, Tony mother fucking Stark owes me his damn life, so if I were Tony mother fucking Stark, I'd get the hell over it. Now, as much as I'd like to come over and duet on that work of art with you, I have a job, in the military, cleaning up your messes, which is what I'm doing right now. So pass."

Fury

"I'll cut you. Notice how I didn't say where. I'll make it a surprise. I know you like surprises."


End file.
